Twenty-one years ago, my sister shared a joke with my parents that made them belly laugh. I heard the laughs and saw the smile on my sister’s face, but only one thing raced through my four-year-old mind:
“I want to make people laugh too.”
I announced that I, too, had a great joke and assured them it was just as funny, if not funnier, than my sister’s. They patiently waited as I racked my brain for what to say. All I knew was that I was about to tell them the best joke they’d ever heard. I told them (and now you) my infamous polar bear joke:
“One day a polar bear walks into a store and asks the penguin, ‘Do you have any apples?’ The penguin says, ‘Yes.’ The polar bear buys the apples and leaves. He comes back the next day and asks the penguin, ‘Do you have any pears?’ The penguin says, ‘Yes.’ The polar bear buys the pears and leaves. He comes back the next day and asks the penguin, ‘Do you have any bananas?’ The penguin says, ‘No.’”
That’s it. That’s the whole joke.
I’m sure you just spit your coffee out from laughter, but, believe it or not, there was silence among my family. Not a single laugh or smile. Eventually, my dad said, “Hannah…that’s not a good joke.” I was crushed, my world was shaken, I was done for. My brand new career as a comedian was over!
Twenty-one years later, I’m a screenwriter—specifically, for sitcoms. I assure you, my humor has evolved past bad animal jokes. However, when I write, I am aware that little girl still lives in me—the girl who wanted to blow everyone away and the girl with shattered confidence.
It feels so conceited to say, “Yeah, I’m funny.” It’s easy to tell you I’m empathetic, ambitious, or hard-headed. But humor…it’s a pillar of who I am and hope to be. Yet, it’s also personal and subjective, so sharing it puts me up for rejection, which sends me back into the mind of that little girl who was shut down so quickly.
My husband and I recently moved to Nashville. He had work lined up, but we knew I’d have to hit the ground running to find a job. Applying to jobs is draining, but for the first time in a long time, I trusted myself completely and knew there was no other option than to find my dream job. I felt certain an opportunity would come along in no time, and it would be what I’ve waited for so long.
Now, I have applied to no less than 60 jobs and counting. I have done everything right: applying, following up, shelling out money for a website, networking, and the list goes on. Yet, I haven’t heard back from anyone. Not a single interview, no explanations.
As if no time has passed, I am that embarrassed and shattered little girl on a magnified scale, fruitlessly sharing the most vulnerable parts of myself only to be met with silence.
I’m left wondering if I should’ve stayed quiet from the start. Even admitting this now feels like defeat.
I desperately want to believe in myself and trust myself in the ways my husband does. I want to support my dreams like my friends do. But I don’t, and it feels impossible right now. With my self-confidence mangled, I don’t know what to do. Rebuild, surely. But where to begin?
After I created the polar bear joke, my parents would often ask me to share it with their friends and family to laugh at how nonsensical it was. Though embarrassing, it still got them laughing, right?
Several years later, we sat down to dinner with their longtime friends, Tim and Pam. As was routine, I was asked to share my joke. I did and braced myself for the confused looks, followed by pity laughs. But there was silence.
Tim had the reaction most everyone had. Typical. But Pam gave a reaction I’d never received—a genuine laugh.
“You think it’s stupid?” I asked.
She was stunned. “No, I love it! That’s my exact kind of humor. You’re funny!”
My parents were confused, and Tim said she was crazy. I felt a sense of pride I’ve felt very few times in my life.
Right now, I feel out of control and disappointed. But somewhere, there are more Pams waiting for my writing, for my voice, for my humor. When I can’t seem to find the bright side in this mess, I remind the little girl in me that through her childlike devastation, she found a way through. And so will I.
Hannah Draut-Murphy is a Nashville-based freelance writer and screenwriter. Her specialty lies in writing comedic stories with realistic characters. She believes that in a world that continues to feel dark, comedy is the light we need. She is currently producing an episodic series and writing a musical for production companies in Kansas City, Missouri.
Keep writing. The right people will laugh.
Sad that a little girls heart could so easily be hurt. BUT keep writing. God is not done with you yet and we ALL need more laughter.